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Still Not Ready to Give ThingsSome people fall in love at a finger-click
and their hearts matter
but some people don't
and I can't help thinking their hearts matter a little bit more.
Bits of Nothing 156I've never got over the monsters under my bed
or the darkness that surrounds it
or the images my mind makes to occupy the blind spots in my vision
but I'm over you because nothing real frightens me anymore.
Bits of Nothing 158You told me you loved me once
but didn't remember saying it
because you were high on anti-depressants
and somebody else's perfume
but I remember
carrying you when you couldn't carry yourself
and holding him when I couldn't hold you.
Later I asked if you would have done what you did
if I hadn't done it first.
I think it was the most honest thing you ever said to me when you answered
"I don't know."
You invited me to her room afterwards.
I don't know if it was some kind of perverted humour
(you wanted us to be friends)
but I couldn't stay long
(did I ever tell you I'm allergic to perfume?)
Bruises are like magnets
(they're attracted to each other)
but they heal perfectly well on their own.
Bits of Nothing 95Last year was about holding onto things so hard that they started to break.
This year is about learning that everything doesn't fall apart around me if I let go.
Bits of Nothing 150The gaps between our words used to be filled with closeness
and they were the most beautiful parts of our conversations.
Those gaps are awkward now
and we'll try anything to fill them.
Anything to distract us from the memories of each other's bodies.
I Will Not Tell LiesAfter the fifth beer
she would always
start to speak truths
and they said,
'You shouldn't drink beer,'
but they meant
'You shouldn't speak truths,'
and they would watch her slowly refill her glass.
You Might Read ThisI say,
"I miss you,"
when I mean,
"I love you;"
I don't know
and partly because those three words terrify me more than any other mistake I have previously made.
Under DreadThe winter, the whole winter
is sitting on my head, nesting its fingers
in the little hairs over my ears.
Its friend, the great and unnamed doubt,
is leaning against my collarbone
in a most familiar fashion,
and I fall in and out of balance
I have a beauty waiting, warm, willing
on speed dial, but the phone--
where did I leave the phone again?
Beauty is as elusive as
the car keys, which, I swear,
were just in that pocket. I
had my hand on them. The whole winter
keeps coursing its little nails
up and down my neck and taking
all my breath away.
There was a dream I had that
I almost remember, almost remember better
than living yesterday, a dream
of gooey loss, a taffy sorrow that loomed,
loomed, loomed, you see? It was so real,
I just had it.
if only, if only.i.
we drove nowhere
and we spoke a language
that nobody understood
underneath a foreign sky
blanketed in the scent of pine.
you told me
my eyes were like envelopes
because they were always
fluttering to the sound
of breaking seals
and ink stained fingertips.
i told you
we should run away
to a new land
with new faces
i was enamored
with people i had never encountered
and places i had never gone.
you laughed at me
and said that
if i didn't spend
so much time with my head
buried in world maps
i would realize
that i was living on one.
it rained that day
and the tea went cold
but the wind kept whistling
blue skies are coming
and i sighed
vi. our film expired in may
but time replays it in my dreams
as a flock of birds
head north in the sky
(if they can move on after summer
and gather their souls
then maybe i too will try.)
I'm left with hope.I know it happened once, but it left me scarred
I won't give up, but I'm still afraid
But I will be brave, I just hope it won't happen again
Because I'm not sure I'll be able to handle the pain
It feels like all I can do is hope, for the best days.
Love LetterYou are re-creating the word love for me
I have never felt anything in my heart so deep
I'm so in love that I'll never be the same
I just want to be with you every single day
You have touched my heart in many different ways
And now from my heart you'll never go away
I feel so warm every time you're here,
I feel so cold whenever you disappear
Though it feels like you are already mine
Who knows if that's real, who know if it's a lie?
I just think about you every single time
Every time I write, and when I close my eyes
But I'm just waiting for that special day
For when you finally say, yes
The tenderness that's herWith every word written, with every word spoken
I try my best to express myself, without it being broken
For what I feel is deep in my heart, is love that I want to be showing
Every day it develops, every day I feel more loving
Is the tenderness of passion, which I’ve never felt before
A feeling that I got from a girl who I truly adore
Beautiful as a rose and gentle as a peaceful dove
My heart gets filled with warmth, a feeling I describe as love
She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve seen, that’s as simple as I can be
So very cute and filled with joy, she’s the only girl who I want to see
Her adorable smile that always cheers me up, she’s the only one I need
She’s everything I ever wanted, I thank god that he gave her to me
Unexplainable feelingThis cryptic feeling that I’m feeling inside
I don’t know its meaning but it has caught my eyes
I’ve only felt it once, but it’s been made very clear
That since the first time I met you I’ve hold you dear
And it’s so vivid; it’s strange but also great
It’s close to unexplainable, and gentle as a dove
But only few, barely anyone could relate
That the best of her is that she showed me love
I cried for you.Last night I cried about you.
I cried for you.
Wishing I was next to you.
This love we share is different then most.
We survive on true connection.
While we yet have to feel each other's touch.
But I can't stand this pain of not having you near me.
I promise not to leave you & I know you won't leave me.
I just can't stand being alone & I know if you were here you would help come save me.
After each call.
After each text.
You'll be there beside me.
Now all I can do is imagine.
But now I'm afraid.
I'm starting to lose faith & hope.
I won't give up I promise you that, but right now I just don't know.
He Hurt YouYou look at him
You feel sick
You wanna hate him but can't
You feel hate
& love towards him
But he hurt you
You wanna hug & kiss him
Yet you wanna punch & break him
Like he did to you
You wanna put your hand through his hair like you used too
You wanna kiss those cute lips
Its not the same
He hurt you
Down By The SchoolyardThere is a rather cliched phrase that states that some people live double lives. I have always found that to be an intensely misleading statement and I guess you can call it a bit of a pet peeve of mine. No one leads "double lives", they just lead fucking lives. That those lives are more complex that the singular one-track existence of lesser creatures shouldn't be a matter of duplicity, but of common sense. No one is exactly who they seem to be.
Julio is one of those who they would later say lived a double life, but it is no more true for him than anyone else. The difference in this case is that there are two of him, rather than one.
Perhaps it was a development caused by his utter mediocrity. Everything from his mind to his personality to his face was completely average. Even his name is forgettable, and elicits annoying references to schoolyards and outdated musical classics.
It was in this space of utter pointlessness that I was born. I started out as a craving for something more a
Counting ScarsI think the reason you think that you didn't do anything wrong is because you didn't.
You just broke my heart a little bit, each day.
There was no big scandal,
no dramatic break up.
Just a lot of misunderstandings
and blind, blind stabs in the dark.
I know you think that you didn't do anything wrong;
The trouble is, you didn't do anything right either.
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